If You’re Mad, I’m Mad: Navigating Co-Regulation with Others

If you identify as someone who’s empathetic, this may bridge into taking on the emotions of the person you’re with. Whether this is a romantic partner, sibling, parent, or friend, you may feel stressed when the person you’re with seems upset and feel a desire to make them “happy” again.

This can happen when our nervous systems communicate with each other. All people have nervous systems! Your nervous system might be recognizing and taking on the anxiety, fears, and worries of the person you’re with.

The benefit to this unspoken relationship is that we’re drawn to supporting one another. Being in your presence as you take a deep breath can support the other person’s nervous system as it grounds and regulates itself.

However, the challenge begins when you can’t help but become unhelpfully distressed. Our bodies can learn the narrative that other people’s distress are always our responsibilities, and it can become difficult to be with someone without fully taking on their emotions.

To co-regulate effectively, try the following:

• Recognize your activation: Are you distressed at their distress? Does your body recognize the difference between witnessing distress vs. experiencing it firsthand?

• Regulate yourself as needed: Whether it’s counting breaths, doing a grounding exercise, or simply reminding yourself that the person is mad at the situation and not mad at you, provide some regulation for yourself (and your nervous system).

• Be a supportive presence: Based on their needs, this might look like holding their hand, rubbing their back, being a calm presence yourself, speaking gently, or more. Recognize when you feel the urge to “fix” the problem, and consider that desire with curiosity without acting upon it.

• Repeat as needed.

By co-regulating with others, you can be a supportive presence without taking on the burden of solving their current problem or distress at the expense of your own nervous system’s well-being.