Do they really love me? Intro to Relationship OCD

Relationships, romantic or not, can come with questions and doubt. Some of these may be spurred by conflict or stress, and others may loom because of our previous life experiences or current state of mind. 

Although Relationship OCD (ROCD) is currently not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR, it’s a way to describe how OCD can manifest in the context of relationships. While we don’t want to pathologize all behaviors, it is important to consider when certain anxieties and doubts become intrusive, repetitive, and distressing. 

When these doubts about the validity of your relationship, your feelings, and/or your partner’s feelings happen, they may be ROCD obsessions:

• Should I break up with them?

• Are they mad at me?

• Do they still love me?

• What if they’re falling out of love with me?

• Is this the best relationship I can be in?

• Does this mean I should leave?

Consider if you’re unknowingly engaging with ROCD compulsions to reassure yourself and address these doubts:

• Seeking answers online and people who have had similar experiences that turned out well

• Constantly checking your feelings and making sure you love them

• Constantly asking your partner (or others) for reassurance on your relationship

• Constantly questioning the future of your relationship

Experiencing ROCD can come with shame, guilt, and anxiety. If these experiences sound familiar to you, consider the following:

• Learn to tolerate uncertainty through mindfulness techniques

• Engage with kindness to yourself to reduce feelings of shame around ROCD obsessions and compulsions

• Work with a therapist using modalities like Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)