Supporting a Friend Through Grief

If someone you know and love is going through a difficult loss, you might feel stuck. You may want to say something comforting or do something to help, but not know how. Here are some things to consider avoiding and some ways to intentionally be present for your friend.

Avoid Saying:

• “At least they got to [].” This may be true, but this sentence sets an expectation for your friend to focus on positive aspects rather than validating their loss.

• “They’re in a better place now.” Depending on your friend’s belief system, this might not feel comforting. This can also feel invalidating.

• “I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you’ve experienced something similar, no grief is the same. This might not be the time to center your experience in the conversation.

• “You’re so strong.” You may feel compelled to say this when your friend is completing tasks or seems to be doing well. This sentence can imply that if they were to cry or have a more difficult time, they’d be “weak.”

A common sentence we might feel compelled to say is, “Let me know if you need anything.” This is often because we aren’t sure what to offer, but we want to convey that we’ll be present if necessary. Often, people in grief don’t have the battery to figure out what they need, or it feels like a burden to ask if they are aware. 

Here are some alternatives to the phrases above:

• Listen: 

  • Let them speak as much as they desire and go through their emotions with your presence. 

  • You can respond and support them with phrases like, “I’m here for you and all of your emotions. I care about listening to you and everything you’re feeling.”

• Offer practical help: 

  • “I’m making enchiladas for dinner and I made extras that I’d like to bring you. When’s a good time to drop them off?”

  • “I’m happy to babysit this weekend if you need some time for yourself. Would Sunday work?”

  • “Here’s a gift card, I just wanted you to be able to order some food this weekend without having to worry about cooking.”

  • “I’m free before work in the mornings. Would it be helpful if I took over pet duty for the week?”

• Validate their complex emotions:

  • “It makes sense that you’d feel angry.”

  • “It’s okay to cry one minute and laugh the next.”

  • “This must feel so confusing.”

• Reach out to them on important dates:

  • Keep death anniversaries, birthdays, and more in your calendar with a reminder to reach out to your friend. 

  • You can say something like, “I know it’s the anniversary of your partner’s death this weekend, so I’ve been thinking about you. I’d love to take you out to coffee or petsit this weekend so you can have some time to yourself, but if you’d prefer some space, no reply is necessary. I love you.”

Supporting a friend through grief can be a constant and unpredictable effort. Each person is different, but your intentionality and consistent willingness to support and listen to your friend will help them through their loss.